Have you ever started reading something, and had to stop because you lost your way in a long, meandering sentence?
That’s what happened to me while reading an article in the Entertainment section of my local newspaper.
The opening sentence rang in at 49 words. Eighteen of those words separated the subject (Black Pumas’ success) from the object (can be explained). That explanation took another 14 words to appear.
For fun, I ran it through the Hemingway Editor app, which highlights hard-to-read sentences in the pink hue you see here. It stated the obvious: “This sentence is too long and complex,” advising “Use shorter sentences and simpler words.”
There’s more. A brief eight-word sentence gave a breather – but just to prepare the reader for being pushed off the cliff of a 77-word sentence.
Those two killer sentences in the introductory section of the article gave it a post-graduate level of readability, which is to say not readable at all. The entire 1,340-word article did slightly better, with a “poor” ranking of Grade 16. (“Aim for 9,” Hemingway Editor suggests.)
Blend style with readability
I understand that columnists have a certain style, and I’ve noticed before that this person definitely likes a looooong sentence. (Is this showing style, though, or showing off?) And this was an entertainment piece, not a hard news story.
Still, “basic principles of journalism apply,” says The Canadian Press Stylebook. “The first sentence is supposed to lead the reader into the story.” So, “Take a scalpel to long leads. Aim for fewer than 30 words. Cut unwieldy phrases. Remove secondary information…and place it lower.”
See how I took a scalpel to the article in the January issue of Wordnerdery.
Have you seen a “before” piece of writing that needs an “after”? Please share! I’m always looking for good (bad) examples.
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Related reading
How long should a sentence be? Ann Wylie explains
Check readability with StoryToolz and Hemingway Editor
See more ‘Before & After’ examples