I lost another friend last week, this time to inflammatory breast cancer. It’s a particularly nasty form that often comes on suddenly, acting similar to mastitis (also an inflammation, usually related to breastfeeding), and spreads quickly. Her oncologist had only seen 12 cases in his practice, and every one of the women who had it died.
By chance, my husband and I had been in her town three weeks earlier and arranged to visit; two weeks later, she was gone. The funeral was this past weekend. (This is a good time to remind you to hug the people you love every chance you get!)
I recently heard that another friend has been diagnosed with breast cancer; fortunately, not the inflammatory kind. So far, she’s had a lumpectomy, and I will be in touch this week to see where things are at. Two other friends have been through breast cancer treatments and recently passed the magical five-year mark.
So over the years, I’ve been collecting suggestions on how to best support a friend who has cancer. These are some ideas:
Make sure she knows about community support groups. Wellspring is one resource in many Canadian cities that offers workshops and discussions, newsletters, a lending library and a quiet place to meet with other patients and family members who share similar concerns, questions and needs. The one near me has sessions coming up that deal with post-treatment depression and eating well on a budget.
Go online and get informed. One of the first places to look online is a reputable organization like the Canadian Cancer Society. Whether or not your friend goes online, you should, to learn as much as you can.
Get involved, if your friend wants you to. Maybe you can drive your friend to appointments, or sit with her when she’s going through chemo. Find out if she feels like a visitor.
Offer practical help, and be specific. Rather than say, “Let me know if I can help,” say “When can I…” and offer to do something — housekeeping, laundry, shopping, updating other friends on her progress. Bring dinner or goodies you know she likes (call first) but may not feel like making herself; best if it’s something she can freeze and reheat in case someone else has brought something.
Stay in touch. The treatment cycle is long, and people sometimes feel awkward about checking in because they don’t know what to say. (How about just, “I was thinking of you”?) Keep in touch by e-mail. Randomly send a card or flowers to let her know you are thinking of her.
Have you helped support a friend with cancer? What did you do?
These are good suggestions. It’s a valuable topic to write about, because I’m sure a lot of people are like me, and don’t know what to do with someone who isn’t a member of the family. If it was a family member, I would do everything I could every day, but it’s hard to know what to do with someone a little more distant.
Sue,
This is a timely and valuable post. I particularly would stress this one: Offer practical help, and be specific. Rather than say, “Let me know if I can help,†say “When can I…†and offer to do something — housekeeping, laundry, shopping, etc.
Cancer patients need solid, constructive help, not vague offers. Your post is a terrific start to helping build a dialogue on this important subject.
Les
This is a great post for a friend with cancer. Another terrific resource is Human Tribe Project. It’s a free website allowing people to show support and raise funds for a loved one in any type of health crisis. To raise funds Tribe Members can purchase Tribe Tags– steel,charmed necklaces– and with every $20 purchase, $15 is given directly to the beneficiary.
http://www.humantribeproject.com
A wonderful post; sadly, we all have too much experience with supporting friends and family through cancer. A couple more thoughts:
Be a great listener. To be quiet and a pair of ears is invaluable – sometimes people just need to share without receiving any advice or information in return.
Bring a sense of “normalcy” to the person’s life – carry on with the activities you love to do together and as a group. By continuing with the more regular things, it can be reassuring to have some routine when so much of the person’s life is feeling out of their control.
Lastly, do what you can to honour the person and their fight. I have walked three times in the Weekend to End Breast Cancer’s 60km trek through Toronto. It feels like the least I can do to help!
Sara
Thank you all for your excellent suggestions and comments! Please keep ’em coming!
What a lovely friend you must be. Great tips.
All I would add is try to to make your friend laugh. There’s no better distraction, even if if it’s only fleeting.
This from Joyce Hansen via Twitter (classactconnect): “Karen Zizzo wrote a book about how her son beat cancer – great support tool for your friend. Check out Karen’s site – karenzizzo.com.”
What a loving post. My addition: don’t be afraid to talk about the hard stuff. Many people want to talk about being scared, about death, about pain — and they often don’t want to burden their family with their fears (this was certainly true of my mom). It’s an old cliche, but acknowledging the elephant in the room is often one of the best favours you can do for your friend. (Obviously you have to let your friend’s state of mind guide you on this one, but you can let them know you’re open to talking about it if they are.)