I encountered an error message this morning trying to get to a Paper.li page. Talk about corporatespeak!!!
The infrastructure issue impacting the service has been well identified and we are now closing in on a final resolution.
Let’s pick it apart:
Infrastructure issue: Well, points to Paper.li for apparently, sort of, taking ownership of the issue by identifying it as (presumably their own) “infrastructure.” Still, they could be more up front.
Impacting. Please, say “affecting,” the way you would if you were speaking to another human being. Teeth are impacted. People are affected.
Well identified. Ditch the “well.” Either you have identified the problem or you haven’t. And “has been” is the signal that this is a passive sentence. Who identified the problem? Take credit for it by saying “we” or “our technicians” have identified the problem.
Closing in on. I feel like they are a pack of hyenas, circling a victim! How about just, “We’re working on it”?
Final resolution. Redundant; a resolution by its nature is final. And what does that mean to me, the reader? Is there a time lag between “closing in on” the “resolution” and when I can access the service again? Assure me that you are working on it.
No apology. I would have expected that in the first line.
Here’s my suggested rewrite:
We’re sorry you can’t access the page you were looking for. We’re working on the problem and hope to fix it soon.
How would you rewrite it?